A kid at heart

Sometimes i still feel like a little kid. Unsure...lost.. not knowing what i'm doing or want to do with my life.

Why is there no place where i truly belong?

Officially a driver

YES!! i passed my driving! it's such a huge relief..i couldn't wait to get it out of the way. no more having to fork out $42 to $65 each lesson, no more mumbling and irritating instructor, no more having to cancel appointments for driving lessons...yay! =D

Up next: Rescue diver

i've been quite inspired by The Guardian. i want to save lives when the time calls for it too! Off to Tioman with lilisan aka the most enthu diver i know! may we all become better divers.

when will it end...

It's just a never-ending struggle.
I express discontent at certain things you do, certain comments you make, the argument starts. again. we NEVER have anything constructive to say to each other when it comes to times like these. Coz at the end of the day, you always come round to the SAME OLD argument.

"IT'S ALL HIS FAULT. IF YOUR FATHER NEVER DID WHAT HE DID, THINGS WOULDN'T BE THIS WAY NOW. I WOULDN'T BE SUFFERING."

ok. you win. it's all his fault. you never had a part in this. i dun matter, your son doesn't matter. what matters is that you've been through hell, you've done all you could for us? but have you really? i don't deny it must have been a really difficult time for you, but your actions later just shows clearly where you put your priorities.

you say you love us, you always remind me how much effort you have to put in. you keep the house pretty and spic-and-span. then why don't i feel loved? are my expectations too high? am i demanding too much? i understand you have a house to upkeep, a job that requires long hrs..but really its the little things that matter. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

all it really took is a minor adjustment from my side. adjusting to having no parents. no family. adjusting to the fact that noone will really be there for me. through my various experiences. I KNOW i cannot count on you. as much as i like to think so.. i have been disappointed many times. TOO many times. so i adapt. i grew not to expect. from here i can even get some unexpected bouts of joy. and i know as much as my father loves me, he is thousands of miles away. he will never be physically here. ever. i needed friends and activities to fill the void.

maybe i'm just this stupid needy person, and an unfilial daughter.

of course things have become much better between us in recent years, but i really don't want to become too attached. i don't want to start giving much. becoz i don't want to get hurt again one day. so i just don't care..this is a very valid complaint of me. i'm sorry but it's a form of self-protection.

it just always comes up every now and then. however hard i try to AVOID it, i cannot help myself sometimes.

I'M SICK AND TIRED. IT'S BEEN 9 BLOODY YEARS. how many more times do we have to go through this argument?

A week later...

A week later, i still can't shake it off. Everyday, there'll always be a time when i stop and recall, each race set going through my head, each stroke, each breath. what went wrong? our trainings went well, the first day was good, the race sets didn't feel too bad. so why?

Part of me still wants to find excuses for ourselves. maybe external factors, however small, accumulated and led to our defeat.

Part of me tells me: we lost to a better team. i still find it hard to accept. but one day, perhaps, i will.

I regret not having won the golden cookie for myself, my boat. there will be no more chances for me, nor us graduates. i guess i will just have to live with it.

But, the fact remains, no matter what the outcome, i still love my team. we've gone through hell together, and that will always stand for something.

Continue to jiayou Phoenix. i will await the day you soar again. my spirit will always be with you.

Fair exchange

We gave up our time to rest, time for friends and family, time for ourselves.
We sacrficed our womanliness.
We put away the freedom to plan for other things.

We acquired more friends and family, bonds others would never have the opportunity to experience throughout their lives.
We gained strength and courage.
We learnt about perseverance and commitment.

We won, we lost, we grew.

It's a fair exchange i think.

Fight hard girls, we'll make it all worthwhile.

WORST luck in the world

I officially have the worst luck in the world. today.
Due to graduate, lastest last paper, and i have to wake up LATE.
GODDAMNIT @!*(&#
Not 10 mins, not 30 mins, not even 1 hr late, but 1 HR 20 MINS late. what the fuck am i doing. I couldn't hear all 3 alarms from my phone.

Truly desperate (you can't understand the extent of my desperation), i went straight to look for my very nice professor, who thankfully managed to help me sit for the paper, which thankfully again noone has already left. But i only had 45 mins to do it. bloody hell. BUT better than nothing. It is the fastest record time i have finished a paper. hooray to me. -_-

I thank you with all my heart Prof David Chew and Prof Lum Kit Meng who have had the compassion to shed me some light in my darkest hours.

Then i had to lose my hostel key...

....

Zzzz...

Seriously, this is how i have come to take life and things not so seriously. i.e. relac lah. You never know what life throws your way. You plan, you schedule, you study, you try your best. In the end what happens? you wake up late.

With all my mishaps it's a wonder i didn't become some hyperventilating paranoid freak.

whatever

So i'm not good enough, or maybe i'm just not what you're looking for.

whatever. i can't be bothered anymore. i will one day find my own piece of heaven.